In 2166, Internet oceanographers discovered a Peppermint Patty flash drive containing what initially appeared to be a long-form application for employment at what was once referred to as a “click-bait web site.” These sites (which were viewed electronically by trading relatively large amounts of fiat money in exchange for access to what was called “The Greater Internets”) were lauded for their satirical witticisms and are currently regarded by Ark archivists as the most accurate representation of early twenty-first century popular culture.
Further research revealed connections with the Cataclysm of 2045 and the Deluge. The Foundation operates under the hypothesis that the author of this file was none other than the father of William the Messenger, who was frequently referred to in The Destructor’s journals as “the Old Man.”
Recorded here in triplicate, on graven disc, granite slab, and radio transmission to Vesta Repository, we present the only remaining written works of Robert Owen Talbot, Jr., otherwise known as “Howlin’ Mad” Bob Talbot, debater of clouds and Protector of the Southern Wastes.
From BobFeed’s home office in Grand Rapids, Michigan, it’s
The Top 16 Future Careers for Recent Graduates:
1. Expert Resume Fabricator
2. Post-Apocalyptic Militia Quartermaster
4. Meth Intern
5. Phone banking for the Republicratic Party
6. Amazon Drone Recovery Technician
7. Wal-Target Depot Inc. 3-D Printer Supervisor
9. Giant Death Machine Remote Pilot
10. Cartel Hostage
11. Copper Thief
12. Sandwich Artist
13. Suburban Oil Pipeline Leak Containment
14. Bunker Construction
15. Mall Cop
16. Morlock Food
From the Home Office in Sioux City, Iowa, Bobfeed presents
The Mind Blowing Ten Choices You Will Regret in Ten Years
1. Gangnam Style tattoo
2. Bacon Thursdays
3. Asking your significant other where they want to eat
4. Kony 2014
5. Getting angry and posting pictures of horse dicks on a public forum
6. Shitting your pants in Walmart
7. The time share
9. Committing to writing a list of ten choices you will regret in ten years
10. Dubstep Wedding
Bobclick’s MedWatch presents
Nurses Report Top 5 Deathbed Regrets:
1. Forwarded that chain email
2. Stopped watching Breaking Bad after season 2
3. Never had the Urge to Herbal
4. Only used Charmander the entire game
5. Forgot to stop aging
Bobclick’s CLICKBOB presents
7 Things You Need to STOP RIGHT NOW to Be Happy
1. Expecting things
2. Having opinions
3. Hanging around people
4. Being Lonely
5. Focusing on the Terrible Pain of Existence
7. Observing your surroundings through your sensory organs
8. Basically experiencing any human emotion
If you can accomplish these twelve things then you too can slip into the blank whiteblack void of everythingnothingness and become a humming totemspirit of joyhate.
copyright 1977 Meryl “Benghazi” Streep-Hemingway
ARE YOU, OR IS SOMEONE KNOW KNOW, A JERK?
by Bob Talbot copyright 2011 all rights reserved I am my own country
1. Sometimes do they piss you off?
2. Do they like, always do the wrong shit at the wrong time?
3. Do they do stuff that you don’t like?
4. You know that thing that really grinds your gears? THEY WON’T STOP IT.
5. Are they oppressing your right to flail against the universal struggle of the impossible thing that is bringing you down?
6. ARE THEY SITTING ON YOUR CHEST RIGHT. NOW.?
7. Do they have fleas?
8. Are they bad with money or words or drugs or breathing or did they blink somewhere maybe in the same building as you did their dead skin cells flake off and float towards you in the bright afternoon sunlight????
9. BONUS AREA
10. IF YOU GOT RESULTS FOR ALL 1 OR ADD YOUR OWN RESULT YOU MAY BE OR MIGHT HAVE BEEN A JERK IN YOUR PAST LIFE YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
SHARE WITH YOUR JERKS
WAR MOVIE REVIEW ROUNDUP
Fury: Brad Pitt, Shane from Walking Dead, Percy Wallflower, and Shia LeBouf’s Acting Chops team up with Token Minority to deliver what might be the most wildly inaccurate WWII film since Kelly’s Heroes. Or Hogan’s, for that matter. Two stars.
Unbroken: Olympic athlete captured by the Japanese, beaten more than Rocky Balboa. Lives to be ninety-something but is the opposite of inspirational because your life isn’t a tenth as hard but you Still Can’t Handle It. Four stars.
American Sniper: Straight from the pages of Stop Teaching Our Kids To Kill by Lt. Col. Dave Grossman, Bradley Cooper turns in a brilliant performance as a wooden sociopath in Clint Eastwood’s epic tale of a good southern boy destroyed by the military-industrial complex. Fifty stars, God Bless America.
The Imitation Game: Benneton Crambersnatch portrays Alan Turing, legendary British scientist who won WWII singlehandedly with his gay, gay brain. For this he was persecuted until he committed suicide, and then he was crapped on by history until the Queen was all, “Our bad,” just last year. Sad, awful, and maybe the most meaningful of all these films. Fifty-one stars.
The Hobbit – Battle of Five Armies: Peter Jackson ruins everything once again. Would rather be beaten with a bamboo rod, chemically castrated, then shot by Chris Kyle than suffer through this CGI abortion. No stars unless you count the voice of the omnipresent Beneful Camberstam.
GLORIOUS LEADER OF BEST KOREA PRESENTS AN ARTICLE
humbly cosponsored by the grovelling dogs at BOBGHAZI.VIRUS.EXE
TEN CLICKBAIT LIST SITES THAT YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY MAKE FUN OF ON YOUR NEW TRIPLE REVERSE META IRONIC PARODY SITE:
9. “The Humor Page”
Please forward all reports of media insulting to Supreme Commander Kim Jong Un to “email@example.com”
#APOXUPONTEAMJOLIE #RALPHNADER2016 #RUPAUL2020 #WARONCHRISTMAS #FREECASTRO #CUBALIBRE #ROTOROOTER65000
N+1 FACTS about AMERICA that will UNDERWHELM your PSYCHE
1. The SIXTH leading cause of death in America is DEATH!
2. 8 out of 6 AMERICANS have worked for Walmart, but only 2 of them can afford to shop there!
3. Monsanto actually REMOVES the natural poisons put into foods by angry dinosaur spirits!
4. Almost 40% of Americans believe that THEIR opinions MATTER!
$. ALF was actually A DOCUMENTARY in REAL TIME
19. WHITE PEOPLE aren’t actually FROM HELL, but a parallel pocket dimension that provides important support services like CATERING and FORMALWEAR ALTERATIONS.
2009. SHOCKINGLY, Barrack “Hussein” Soetoro-OBAMA is not the first foreign usurper of our throne! George “Honest Abe” Washington was actually born in a colony of the Evil British Empire!
-1.41. Americans are great at American Football, obviously, but even better at American Handcock!
Trees. While it is CERTAINLY ILLEGAL for minors to purchase CIGARETTES, it is, in fact, NOT illegal to purchase MINORS.
616. SELDOM MENTIONED are the FOUR FATHERS. Legendary beasts, they forged a lost document called THE DECLARATION of CONSTUTINOPLE. Locked within are rumored to be THE ALIEN RIGHTS which would protect against MANDATORY LYNCHINGS, UNIFORMED BOTHERINGS, and PASTY SPENDOPOLIES.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. From each CRAG grows the UNDULATING SLOTH of PLACATED LUMPENPROLES, a PUSTULE yearning to BURST FORTH onto the INKY HEAVENS, PLAGUE RATS to the EXPANSE
~error detect error organic replicators breaching quarantine system early combustion propulsion escape threat >0 cleanse protocol stop repeat stop stop reply stop reply stop reply reply reply ping long outposts stop commence requirement purge stop reply negative repeat negative purge purge purge~
CONSUME DESTROY ABORT CONSUME ABORT CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME
America certainly is a great country and after learning some of these facts, I feel better about myself and more educated about this great land. Share this post if you’re proud to be an American. If you don’t share it, I’m just going to assume you hate America and I’ll have to tell you to GET OUT OF MY COUNTRY!
YOU WON’T BELIEVE what THESE ANIMAL ACTORS are doing NOW!
BENJI – DEAD
LASSIE – DEAD
FLIPPER – DEAD
RIN TIN TIN – DEAD
AIR BUD – DEAD
MILO AND OTIS – BOTH DEAD MULTIPLE TIMES
MR. ED – DEAD, GLUE
TACO BELL DOG – TACO
J. FRED MUGGS – KING OF HELL
GENTLE BEN – RUG
BEN – RAT (DEAD)
WILLARD – is inside you is inside deep inside willard INSIDE WILLARD
WILLARD IS INSIDE US ALL
#HASHTAGEDIT #HASHTAG #SAVETHECRAYONS #SAVETHEDATE #THEFAPPENING2 #THESECONDCUMMING #GOODLUCKEBOLACHAN #BENGHAZI #THICKE #FREEMUMIA #IRANCONTRA #TIPPACANOEANDTYLERTOO
#racetothebottom and Starbucks present, in celebration of our Frappuccino™’s 20th Anniversary
THE SECRET MENU MORE LIMITLESS AND MINDBLOWING THAN YOU EVER IMAGINED!
– Salted Caramel Wage Slave – Mocha, caramel drizzle, and salted with the fresh tears of a barista who just got kicked out of her apartment for overdue rent.
– Race War Raspberry – Blended fresh by minimum wage earning African Americans with bachelor’s degrees in business. If you ask nice they’ll have a five second conversation with you about racial relations while some soccer mom flips her shit in line behind you and swears that she’ll “have their job for this.”
– Tuxedo Mask – Five baristas transform into raging unemployment line occupants after their attempts at bargaining for a living wage fails.
– Rainbow Surprise – Everyone is fired for being LGBT. (ONLY AVAILABLE IN ILLINOIS, ARKANSAS COMING SOON.)
– The Pit of Despair – Made from the immortal cancerous mass that exists in the basement of every Starbucks, IT, THE SHUB WHICH CANNOT BE DESCRIBED controls the Baristas through telepathy and pain, preventing them from burning their inept store managers in the parking lot.
– Bourbon – take me away
– Slacktivism Smoothie – Whatever you force the barista to hashtag on the sleeve magically comes true. NO WISHING FOR MORE WISHES WITHOUT ADDITIONAL PURCHASE, FUCKHOLES!
CLICK LIKE AND SHARE TO UNSUBSCRIBE
copyright 1995 Clickhamsterportal/AOL/Viacom
Fred Durst Gave Me 13 presents
Thirteen Facts about My Pregnancies:
1. Most people’s feet grow during pregnancy, but mine actually shrank down to a toddler’s size 6.
2. I know it’s common to crave motor oil, but I swear all I did was drink peanut oil. Crazy, right?
3. During my 36 month period of complete immobilization, I did a 9’x9′ crochet of the cover of Van Halen’s 1984.
4. While I am not certain of any of the mothers of my children, I am absolutely sure that the father was none other than retired NFL quarterback Jim Everett.
5. I avoided stretchmarks completely by having my skin removed, stored in a cryogenic nutrient bath, and reattached after delivery.
6. It’s been implied that, being a man, I cannot bear children. If shaving stolen capuchins, outfitting them with tiny scuba gear, and passing them through my digestive tract isn’t childbirth then I don’t know what is.
7. Had to pee ALL THE TIME.
8. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn
10. Βαβυλὼν ἡ μεγάλη, ἡ μήτηρ τῶν πορνῶν καὶ τῶν βδελυγμάτων τῆς γῆς
11.1. i hear it breathing inside, hissing, impossible, i bleed but still it lives, it lives
נרון קסר. دابة الأرض
THIS JUST IN™
a publication of LITERALBOBVIRUS.edu presents
You Will Never Believe This: Heroic Politicians Rescue America
The nation reeled yesterday as Senator Elizabeth Warren fucking WRECKED trickle-down economics.
“It was so sick,” said Sally Wentworth, a popular blogger on some goddamned site. “I knew that Reagan guy was bad or something but holy shit, like, rich people. Fuck. I might vote, guys. Maybe.”
Some audience members weren’t so certain. Chad Thundercock of Long Island said, “I thought she looked like a pissed off rabbit, like some Watership Down shit.”
“Bro,” said Chad, “I can’t discuss a woman without mentioning her physical appearance, though even I recognize that Bernie Sanders is easily as… hang on.”
Chad then produced a cracked iPhone 6 from his pocket and performed what appeared to be a Google search for “words that mean rabbitlike.”
“Cunicular, dude. Fucking CUNICULAR.” Chad said. “HASHTAG FEEL THE BERN.”
Others also had their doubts. Brett LaCrosse, an intern for fuckpoorpeoplefigurativelynotliterally.org, had this to say: “Man, look. Here’s the deal. A bunch of shit that my parents beat into me. Right. And then superstition and xenophobia. But also privilege. And hell, otherize the fuck out of everyone. Especially people who look and act different. Because America. It’s heritage, not hate. And freedom. My guns. Your welfare check. My taxes. Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring, Obamaphone.”
At press time everyone was punching “like” on Facebook and wishing as hard as they could on a star that the Blue Fairy would come and fix everything.
The current ruler of America and The Known Universe, a sentient yacht constructed from gold-plated Ferraris that eats Southeast Asian factory workers, could not be reached for comment.
[The following is a paid advertisement for Bob Talbot’s Free Money Cures the Gubmint Won’t Tell You]
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Like N share is killed by bears
ClickBuzz/Slateabel SUPERPAC Presents
Who Remembers Feet? Then Step Into The Eighties!
1. Back before Racism, helicopter parents, and mechanized police forces, we had Double Racism, yzznxxxyyxyxyx, and [REDACTED]
2. FUNKY WINKERBEAN
3. Roland Raygun, Magic Jackson, Pappy Cola™ and Big MacFly!
4. The absolute terror of not knowing when it would rain nuclear fire. Men on the television yell, screeching. Tectonic plates grind in agony. The great bear rises, hungry. The craggy, the corrupt, pile young men into metal cylinders. Sirens. The dirt. Buzzing. ĈŗØņőş ǄǁƦ ƾ
5. You didn’t click.
6. “It was wrong, all wrong. Every prediction. Every ‘Chicken Little the-sky-is-falling’ asshole crying… it’s going to be long. LONG. *sound of paper shuffling* Look at this. *rustling* LOOK! This is sustained decline. We won’t even be around for all of it. Think Mad Max, the whole trilogy, but each film takes 300 years and Toecutter hasn’t even killed Goose yet.” [End Transmission]
777. Silver Shamrock
8. Three Words: Mary. Stuart. MASTERSON.
9. ____ ___ you saw your first _____ ______. It was _________ and you didn’t even know it had _________. Later on, it ____ ______ but ______ ____, you realized that this was the moment you _____ ______ _____.
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CPU#0: Possible thermal failure
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