Attack of the Analogies

It was hard not to nanny nanny boo boo the Republican failure deliver the coup de grace to Obamacare yesterday. I had fun for a bit, but it’s time to get back to work lest we let frowny Paul Ryan become the new six months of punched Richard Spencer.

Before I’m labeled a buzzkill, have your high. Drink in the delicious failure. Savor it for a moment but not too long.

Now that the Ewok celebration has ended, the remnants of the Death Star will plummet into the atmosphere and lay waste to the forest moon, but wait! That doesn’t work at all. Vader is alive and golfing, and they’re still going to build that Star. If we’re talking Star Wars analogies, I’d put us in Empire, on Bespin.

The situation isn’t even that¬†optimistic, though. It’s more like you’re in a pit in Buffalo Bill’s basement and he’s yelling, “It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again!” You haven’t even grabbed his dog yet, but even this analogy is flawed. We all know Agent Starling will show up and save the day (even though she hooks up with Lecter and attends a brain-chow dinner two films later, which is pretty apt if she’s the Democrat), and we don’t have that luxury.

It’s more like this: You’re on death row, and it’s time to walk the green mile. There’s no stay of execution, no reprieve, and you’re strapped to the chair. It’s time to light up ‘ol sparky, but something happens. The folks in charge can’t decide on whether they should give you enough juice to just kill you or pump so much current across your saut√©ed skull that your grey matter cooks out your eyesockets, so they decide to take five and figure it out. You’ll still ride the lightning after they burn through a few Parliaments (nine out of ten machine gunners agree, Tobacco tastes best when the filter’s recessed).

So, yes, while avoiding the certainty of now, like the next-to-last surface suck of a drowning swimmer, may seem like a thing to fist pump over, remember everyone loses the race to the bottom of expectations. This is the land of “Dubya was great, Mitt would have been fine, we’d take two more terms of Obama having civilians murdered and destabilizing nations,” you know, those sorts of things.

Today I witnessed a miracle. I do not throw this word around lightly, and I’m not referring to the right’s gun-to-your-temple misfiring yesterday. Two long time conservative acquaintances of mine wondered out loud, “Why can’t we just have free health care?” Why, indeed.

Don’t vote for politicians who tell you single payer will never happen (not with that attitude). Don’t believe corrupt leaders who say the people can’t be reached. Something stinks, and even the dookie connoisseurs are beginning to smell it.

Don’t give up on what you know is right just because it seems a million miles away (or even 238,900). If you’d expected to be on the moon by now but you’re face down in the mud, it’s not time to suck in and embrace life as a salamander.

Stand the fuck up and keep rolling, rocketeers.