The Theocratic Republic of Arkansas

Housekeeping note: My metrics indicate people rarely click on the links in my articles. Either you already know what I’m talking about and don’t need the reference (great), you don’t give a fuck (uh, okay), or you think they’re some kind of goddamned advertisement (they aren’t). Guys. I don’t make a thing from this site. I pay a couple hundo a year for the privilege of spraying my shit everywhere, so never fear. I’m only in it for the dopamine. If I include a link, it’s for context. 


I’m sick of talking about the Scoundrel Jason Rapert. I recently wrote about his efforts to overturn Issue 6, which legalized medical marijuana in Arkansas.

Some of you have shared news articles on the recent Arkansas decision to once again outlaw abortion in new and exciting ways. This is the fracas I was involved in when one of Arkansas’s young “Christian” mothers decided to threaten my family.

You’ve expressed your anger and dismay at the fact rapists can now sue their victims to keep them from terminating a pregnancy in Arkansas. Rapert wasn’t the author of that bill, but I’m sure seeing it pass gave him a big ol’ chub. He’s already cost Arkansas taxpayers thousands of dollars in legal fees from all the other unconstitutional measures he has under his belt. In the past, I’d have said, “This, too, will be overruled by the Supreme Court.” Once Donnie gets his filthy hands on it, I won’t be so sure.

Now, law-school-dropout Rapert (go back to high school, not home school), who couldn’t make it as an attorney and decided to destroy civilization instead, has got it into his sick, Holy-Ghost-addled brain to outlaw same-sex marriage by amending the United States Constitution. That’s right, not the Arkansas Constitution. They did that back in 2004. J-Rape doesn’t understand how legislation works and now he’s trying to spark a Constitutional Convention.

Obviously, this won’t be effective, but Rapert writes bills like monkeys fling shit, and while most of it hits the bars, sometimes a well tossed turd makes it through and sticks to the wall. The collateral damage is that Arkansans get to live in this shitty state and Jason gets to keep plucking holy hand grenades from his asshole.

If you’d like to discuss these issues with Mr. Rapert, he’s easily accessible (Phone: 501-336-0918, Email: Jason.Rapert@senate.ar.gov). He loves to engage in Facebook arguments, but beware. I’ve been told he’s not above doxxing you, which is the right’s go-to nuclear option. In person, he’ll just threaten to shoot you.

Here’s a recent communication between Rapert and a concerned Arkansas citizen.

As you can see, there’s no reasoning with Rapert, who will usually fall back on weird evolutionary biology arguments and (not pictured, surprisingly) the POWER OF GAWD.

Arkansas has been a straight-up Theocracy for years. The halls of government were long ago invaded by the Southern Baptist Convention and worse, home-schooled backwoods Pentecostals and the Hill Folk. None of them seem to mind shaking hands with Gadsden flag-flying bigots and Sons of the Confederacy if they don’t already attend the weekly meetings.

There are enclaves of liberal (neoliberal) thought in Little Rock, the capital city, and Fayetteville, home of the University of Arkansas, but those are not the places from which this tyranny draws its power. Space Communists like myself are as common as the majestic unicorn, and religious moderates (this is as left as it gets) are vastly overwhelmed by angry manchildren from sundown towns, frustrated bible-beating fuckers from gravel-strewn levees and swampside shacks. They slid their way into power by mesmerizing rooms full of poor white parishioners who clutch Gone with the Wind as hard as their tattered Good Book.

I grew up around these fucks, the cruel charismatic creeps with slicked-back hair who went ahead and skipped the degree in theology and got the calling at age sixteen. They’d hold up their McGuffin tome in one hand and point with the other. We’re all going to burn, unless we do this, whatever it is, whatever whim has caught his pants today. Maybe it’s jungle music. Maybe we have too much and the church, too little. Maybe we should sign over our car. I’ve seen a couple weep as they placed their wedding rings in the donation tray. Were they weeping for salvation or because they knew what he was doing to them? Were they ashamed?

“We, the majority, grant you rights by choice.”

The majority of god-fearing Arkansans have put these men into power and the one thing that could have saved us all, the separation of church and state, has become a suggestion, not a rule but a guideline to ignore at their leisure.

North Carolina was recently downgraded from a democracy by the Electoral Integrity Project. Arkansas, in comparison to other states, falls solidly in the middle of the pack. Perhaps there should be other metrics, tough to measure from afar, but easy to observe in ramshackle towns, where men exploit the need for fellowship. They sing in rooms, together, as we must have done before history was written, then deliver the poison. Theocracy. Theocracy. Safe and secure from all alarms. Leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.

One thought on “The Theocratic Republic of Arkansas”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *