The Things They Didn’t Carry

I’m sorry. We don’t carry Cards Against Humanity. I don’t know why. It used to be sold online only, but apparently now they have it at Target.

Oh, they’re sold out too? Dang.

I don’t have any registers back here. They’re up front and to your right, by the windows.

We don’t have Speak Out, Pie Face or Pie Face Showdown anymore. I guess we’re having a shortage? Someone or something interdicted the supply lines? Seems pretty available everywhere else. No, I can’t order them. I’d try online.

Are you needing to check out? That’s up front. Yes, you can go to the music department, but it may be a longer wait. Oh. You’re going into the mall? Okay.

Yes, Beanboozled? Wait, I mean I’m familiar with the concept. No, we don’t actually have it for sale. I hear they have Beanboozled down at Candy Craze. Oh, sorry. I don’t think your kid heard me. Okay.

It’s okay.

No I don’t have tabletop RPG dice. Yes, I carry the books. You’re correct, it doesn’t make sense. Yes, Hastings had them. I know. I miss them too.

Oh, the restrooms are over there and to your left. The registers are at the front.

I don’t have software of any kind, just books about software. You might want to check next door at Best Buy.

No, that was Books-A-Million.

Up front and to the right. Oh you need to check out too? Up front and to the right.

We’re out of Hatchimals. No one in town has a Hatchimal. Ebay.

Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. That sounds like JFK. Remember that scene in JFK, with Costner? Oh. Well. They play the Zapruder film over and over and he says that.

There’s no way you’ve checked out here before, ma’am. Did you have an online order? This isn’t a register. I’ve worked here since the store opened. Maybe you’re confusing us with another store.

Happy New Year to you, too.

No, but they probably have it down at GameStop. Yeah, we used to. A few stores do, but most don’t.

No, I don’t have iPhone cases. I know they’re on the website.

Yes, I know it’s cheaper on the website. No, we don’t price match our own website. You’re paying for this quality customer service. Yes, I’m one of the managers.

It’s up front and to the right. See, right there. I can page someone but she’s standing right there.

I don’t carry Amazon gift cards. No, I don’t have Kindle Fire cases. I’d try Amazon.

Looks like that’s out of print. They have it for $0.01 on Amazon.

The restrooms are back past those shelves, to your left. All the way.

A lot of these authors don’t have a distributor. They’re self-published. They want you to go to their website. Oh, it’s your aunt? Well, she needs to submit it so we can put it into our system.

Sorry, it’s only available in hardcover. I know it’s expensive, it’s a business book. They’re in the business of selling them for the highest possible price.

Multilevel marketing? Okay. 

Up front and to the right.

I’m sorry, while we do serve Starbucks coffee, we’re not an actual Starbucks. The closest one is down by Target.

We’re sold out. I can call you when one comes in.

Looks like I can ship it to you. Three to four business days. About a week. Oh, you have Amazon Prime?

Okay.

Right over there and to the left. Up front and to your right. Right back there and to your left. Up front by the windows. Right over there in the corner.

I’m kinda stuck at this register but I can page someone for you.

Yeah, they advertise story time online but they didn’t schedule anyone for it. I can go grab something if you want. Oh. Okay.

We don’t have any registers back here.

The mall doesn’t open until 12:30 pm on Sunday. I don’t know how they got in.

Back, and to the left.

We’re located in the mall. Yes, there’s an entrance from the parking lot, at the front. Under the big sign. Well, that’s what we call the “front.”

No, we’re not closing. Great. We’re doing just great.

Up front and to the right.

There’s no one to call. I’ll be right with you as soon as I grab this book.

Up front and to the right.

Oh wow, they shipped you the wrong one. I’m so sorry. I can get another. I know. I’ll process a refund. Yes, I know. It is awful.

He’s there, let me page him.

Up front and to the right.

Is there somewhere I can direct you while I wait for his order to print out?

Ma’am? Ma’am?

They’re busy right now, is there a question I can answer for you?

It’s up front and to your right.

By the windows. Yes. He’s all the way at the end.

I’ll page.

Sorry, we don’t have any registers back here. There’s a gentleman up front and to the right. He’ll get you right up there.

Up front and to your right.

I’m sorry, we don’t have Speak Out.

Up front and to your right.

I can see that you’re upset, so even though the promotion has ended, I’ll go ahead and coupon that down for you.

Up front and to the right.

Yes, we’re open.

Up front and to the right.

Up front and to the right.

Up front and to the right.

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