Opinions have been flying since asteroid 2017 DT13, popularly dubbed the Great Meteor, was discovered on November 9, 2016, and last night’s 74th Annual Golden Globes ceremony was no exception.
Hollywood legend Meryl Streep delivered a stirring speech that stunned every insanely rich person in the room. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I’ve lost my voice from dramatically screaming at the night sky in preparation for this hoarse appeal to the Emmy board, which is considering a Best Political Awards Speech trophy this season.”
“When they said only the fabulously wealthy could enter the Ark, I said ‘No, there has to be room for the sexy. The poor, poor sexy people,’ and it’s time we used our power and influence to make this so. My old friend, ol’ what’s-her-head from Blues Brothers, you know, the coked-out one with the machine gun. She once told me, ‘Ride a rocket or dig a hole, there’s no meteor yet that will touch a wealthy mole,’ and that’s exactly what I intend to do.”
Streep referenced the dual ongoing projects to launch expansions to the International Space Station, which will allow a crew of up to 50 unimaginably affluent inhabitants to survive for at least two years while an expansive underground rocket facility on Earth shields thousands of NASA and Silicon Valley’s best and brightest researchers.
These privileged few, along with the rich, the famous, and the hottest Freshmen from America’s colleges, will work to improve both facilities while the rest of humanity chokes, burns, and freezes above on the surface. This is, of course, after the subterranean dwellers pass a battery of financial inquiries or face the Fitness Board, colloquially referred to as the Sexy Panel.
The Great Meteor, which is scheduled to strike around midday on January 20, remains controversial among the uglier and less-moneyed citizenry. The stargazers stationed behind the velvet ropes of the red carpet line weren’t afraid to share their outlook.
“When the Great Meteor was announced, I was afraid like everyone else,” said Sally Wentworth of Torrance, California. “I really buried myself in social media. I have a secret Facebook group where we post mainstream media articles about the Great Meteor. There’s an offshoot group that’s just straight-up memeposts. We try to separate the serious discussion from the lighthearted stuff, you know? I think that helps. We wouldn’t want jokes about the Great Meteor getting mixed up with Great Meteor stories delivered from the new CNN headquarters they dug in below NORAD.”
Brent Keith drove all the way from Reno, Nevada, to witness the gala, and he wasn’t short on strategies.
“Look,” he said, “when this thing happened, we thought the government would build a giant nuke or something. I called my representatives, I sent emails, and I even started a Facebook group that has over 2,000 members now.
“We compare notes and come up with better form letters to send Congress. Now it looks like they’re throwing all their support behind this hole initiative, and I’m saying, look, guys. No matter what you’re doing, you can do more. You can make more phone calls. You can appeal to the people who are funding the hole and have a guaranteed place in the hole to stop digging the hole and build that rocket.
“We still have time. Tonight we’re going to livestream Armageddon and Deep Impact while we share articles and brainstorm ways to appeal to the all-powerful narcissistic sociopaths who are already cowering deep underground in the Ark.”
Still, others aren’t so convinced. Stan Fredrickson of Olympia, Washington, told us he didn’t plan on attempting to take shelter.
“Man, the media tells us what they want us to believe, right? Yeah, maybe it’s going to hit, maybe not, but all the calculations I’ve seen have it landing in Siberia. It’s a bunch of trees and ice. Last time it happened, like, what, a century ago? They barely noticed. When I was a kid that shit was in the UFO books like they weren’t sure it actually happened. We’re on the opposite side of the planet and I don’t think it’s a big deal. I’m not even calling out of work.”
We pointed out that the Tunguska event was thought to have been created by a body much smaller than 2017 DT13, which is estimated to be 52 miles across at its largest point.
“But how do you know?” Fredrickson replied. “I mean, really. No one can know these things,” he said while shaking his head and backing away. Fredrickson broke into a run when he reached the end of the crowd and was immediately hit by a city bus as he launched off the curb.
At press time, we are able to report that he is at Cedars-Sinai in stable condition.
After the show, we caught up with Hugh Laurie, who is already trending online thanks to his hilarious roast of the Great Meteor.
“Ah yes, that old thing,” he said. “I really feel for the people on the surface. I do. Someone should do something about it. In fact, back in the UK they’re digging an even deeper hole. We’re not so enamored with rocketry but we’ve got quarries and mines galore. You’ve seen Children of Men, right? It’s going to be like that Ark, but underground. Just brilliant.”
When we asked Mr. Laurie if British actors might appeal to their government to shoot a nuclear weapon at 2017 DT13, he reminded us of last year’s EU referendum.
“We can put it to a vote, but I’m afraid we’ll just end up with a couple more holes. They’ve been begging for an additional one for footballers, and frankly, I think most would prefer to burn if it meant they could take some immigrants down with them.”
Evan Rachel Wood turned heads in her stunning tuxedo, which she claimed was not meant to be a dig against dresses.
“I’ve been to this ceremony nine times and every time I wore a dress,” she said. “I wore a suit today to show little girls everywhere they can wear whatever they want under their protective biogear. In fact, I don’t think they recommend a dress under all that plastic. It comes with special breathable garments, kind of a long underwear setup. You should probably follow the instructions and don’t forget to change your filter at least once every 72 hours.”
The 69th Primetime Emmy Awards have been moved up to January 15, 2017, in anticipation of the Great Meteor’s impact five days later. With only half the usual material to select from, we expect the awards will be swept by online streaming services and Meryl Streep, whose aforementioned speech has already been nominated in every category thanks to last minute pre-apocalyptic rules changes.
We’ll be there, and we’ll be here covering the sensuous, opulent news as long as our respirators function. We may not have much funding to speak of, but we have a new intern who is a solid 9.5, and he’s in the final rounds for placement in an abandoned Titan missile silo. With our passwords and a little luck, he’ll be reporting on wrinkly magnates and sweaty, undulating starlets for years to come.
Good night, and good luck.