Not pictured: The head anti-vax guy who has a Facebook page full of posts on Chemtrails.

Sometimes the frustration of life is too much and I get the urge to play Whack-A-Mole. Why travel down to the local Chuck E. Cheese and brave toddlers and fistfights when I can sit right here at home and slap down fundamentalists on local news social media pages?

It’s a hot time for this with the Arkansas Mumps Epidemic of 2017 rolling into Kindergartens all over Northeast Arkansas. The thrilling part is since none of these blowjobs understand how science works, they’re using the Arkansas Department of Health bulletins, which explain why the old vaccine may not be as effective, to “prove” why vaccines don’t work, even though there is an entire paragraph explaining how many, many more people would have the disease, with more dangerous symptoms, if not for said vaccine.

This echos the attacks on Climate Change research, which often come from the same group. “Well there’s this one paper here that says it ain’t real!” they shout, proceeding to ignore the 37,000 other published works on the matter. “If the scientific method is so useful, why do they keep having to redo everything!” yells the proud Christian mother who flunked eighth grade science.

People with discerning minds understand science is about increasing human knowledge and shrinking the sphere of ignorance, and we do it by, you know, asking questions. Sometimes we have to ask questions about those questions, and it’s too damned many questions for some people to handle. “Why can’t we just come up with some rules and shit and stick to them?”

I have to call out the fact that most of the people who frequent these arguments are women. The patriarchy is strong down here, y’all, and while the p-word comes loaded heavy with baggage, I’ve experienced enough of it to understand the low self esteem and outright self-hatred beaten, figuratively and literally, into Southern women. They’re often their own worst enemy when it comes to these discussions and the sad irony is that they actively perpetuate the very thing chaining them down.

I must also acknowledge that this is all, on the face of it, classist as fuck, but sometimes you have to break a few rednecks to make an omelet. Sorry, guys. As a resident of rural and semi-rural Arkansas for 38 years, I’m sick to death of this shit, and now that the poison has seeped out of Bumfuck and into the hearts and minds of millions, a demagogue found it useful enough to exploit his way into the White House, and here we are.

I’ll take a hard detour from the ivory-tower-sitting and attempt to avoid the mistake moderates made in the last election (left? What left?). Moderates long ago retreated to citied-suburbia and abandoned the rural worker. There were socialist movements in America a hundred goddamned years ago. Most of the farm co-ops that exist now are descendants of those systems set up way back when, but of course, Capitalism consumes all and the Nonexistent American Left remains nonexistent. Historically there hasn’t been much non-agricultural industry down here except when it comes in to exploit right-to-work laws. The companies stay until it’s cheaper to do it in another country, then┬ábroke and angry unskilled labor goes back to being destitute and furious.

What’s left for a poor white kid from Shit Town but to become a white supremacist or a Juggalo? I’d rather have a nation full of Juggalos, believe me, because this ailment is spreading, and I could keep the latter happy with skunkweed and mudholes. The former has mixed up a concoction of ignorance and superstition in proportions so exciting that no downtrodden hill dweller can turn it down.

We (the few, the proud, the Space Communists) are going to have to find a way to appeal to little Jack and Sally Biblebeater or else face the specter of fundamentalist fascism for all time, be it genuine (check out any red state legislature) or appropriated for votes (most of our Federal-level elected sociopaths).

I’m not that guy, though. I’m not an organization builder. I’m an idiot slapper. It’s easy because I have idiot inside me. I know how they think. I know where they live. I’m fluent in stupidity. I can code switch into that shit in an Arkansas second and soon they’re inviting me to their Sons of Confederate Veterans meeting.

Until something better comes along, I’m going to be coercing angry Jesus freaks into publicly admitting they want to torture women by forcing them to carry malformed fetuses to term. I want them to say it in all caps, over and over, vile, hateful. I want them to admit they loathe people, science, the one life we have, and tell me that it’s GOD’S PLAN.

I ain’t anti-religion, folks. There’s something to be said for fellowship, community, and sitting in a room together and singing. As always, these beautiful things will be stolen by those who seek to control others and appropriated for their evil intentions. Some of you shining-blue-city folk might have a great Methodist or Lutheran joint you frequent, and that’s fine. If agnostic atheists could get together and form such organizations, we’d probably be better off, but as with leftists and other such critters the very skepticism of authority that created us makes it difficult to engage in the subservience necessary to keep a group in lockstep.

If any of this bothers you, I get it. It probably should. I’m the asshole Gotham needs right now. Some of you can dance, some of you can play the fiddle. This is my GAWD-given talent. I was born this way, baby.