You should learn something every day or you just ain’t livin’, as they say (see, I have to write it like that because I’ve spoken such things in public before and when people hear my accent and fail to grasp the irony, they assume I’m an idiot. Which I am, but not for using colloquialisms you prescriptivist fucks. You can take the boy out of Arkansas, or leave him in Arkansas, but you can’t take the Arkansas out of the boy except with extreme Victorian-era sanitarium measures often lampooned in weird goth glam films directed by Zack Snyder).
It is important to take note of these things lest they blow by us like farts in the wind and we begin to infer that we’re floating through life like a jellyfish, a stupid balloon (as opposed to an intelligent balloon), or some other metaphorical buoyant thing.
Make no such inference, ladies, gentlemen, et cetera! You are beautiful, no matter what they say.
Without further ado, here are the things I have learned in the last 24 hours:
- It is good to take care when coming up with satirical names for your fake political party, especially when said term can be easily Googled and the first result defines it as someone who is a terrible, unabashed misogynist.
- When you are overwhelmed by political malaise, it may seem like a good idea to start a conversation about attempting sexual intercourse with bestial video game characters. Humor is a great way to blow off steam but don’t expect others to openly participate in your sick, stress-induced fantasies.
- If you are going to attempt some overt action against privately-owned property, especially in the District of Columbia, do not bring your smartphone, or else it and its contents may become the permanent property of fascist authorities.
- Likewise, don’t engage in your First Amendment rights to free speech and free press or you’ll risk facing felony charges and ten years in prison.
- Don’t continue to support or vote for Democrats who will not even pantomime resistance to a bunch of cabinet picks made up of billionaires, science deniers, religious fanatics, and a professional wrestling CEO.
- Do start a pipe company, or a concrete company.
- Don’t waste your time arguing with fascists, Randians, and Tea Partiers. They have counted themselves out of the group of rational people.
- Do save your ire for moderates and neoliberals, because this is all their goddamned fault.
- Try not to get too angry when the moderates and neoliberals claim this is all your goddamned fault.
- Don’t bother emailing your company to ask them if they will extend healthcare benefits to their employees who won’t be covered when the ACA is repealed. I mean, part-time employees are pretty low income, right? They can get on Medicaid. Old people and teenagers, Medicare and their parents’ insurance, respectively. Bam. Solved. Oh, they’re 55 and this is their second job? Oh their parents don’t have insurance? Oh well. They’re always making more poverty level retail workers, right?
- Don’t get too fired up publicly chastising the company that provides income and insurance to yourself, your wife, and your three children, especially in this political environment.
- Do update your passport. You know. Just in case.
- Do also realize that no other country wants your ass and taste the irony, America.
- Do get ready to rumble.
Whew, I probably left some things out, but that’s just yesterday. See, America, you could probably construct such listicles yourselves. Look how smart you are, you fucking geniuses.
Now get out there today and learn those tough lessons.
PS – Don’t get too nutty with the Facebook posting, guys. This isn’t Obama’s America anymore. I keep expecting him to show up and say, “This shit is crazy,” but I won’t hold my breath. He’s probably going to be more like, “Hey, let me slide into this multimillion-dollar-a-year speech deal and lobbying job.” We’ll see who’s right about that one, but as legendary Australian lyricists the brothers Young wrote, “Money talks, B.S. walks.”
Until Liz Warren chains herself to a backhoe in frigid North Dakota, make mine FULL COMMUNISM, BABY.