Why With Her? 

Can we lay off the Clintonlust?

I know it hurts. I get you. At this point I’d take President Bush (H.W.,W., or Jeb!), but it’s the fear talking and that’s what they want. They want you to shit your pants so hard you’re begging for President Pence, and I feel you on that too. Most of us would survive Pence (straight white moderate to conservative men and their wives would, anyway), and the long decline of late stage Capitalism would continue instead of irradiating us when WWIII starts next week.

Isn’t it punching down to blame the majority of American voters for not being excited enough about a bunch of shitty crooks to show up at the polls or press the correct button? Everyone stayed home and a huckster convinced the smallest possible group of idiots that he’d make them winners. That’s what happened.

This doesn’t equate the candidates’ value as leaders. I hope I never implied it would be the same while I screamed we were on the road to ruin last year. It’s the bare fact that someone did a better job exposing the failures of our system and the weaknesses of the American public. As they say around here, “If if if, if my aunt had balls, she’d be my uncle.”

That shit isn’t even true, but you catch my drift. Hindsight is 20/20, and how many colloquialisms can I toss at this idea? If you want to spend time writing Alternate History, go ahead. Maybe you’ll be the next Harry Turtledove. I’m a bit too busy getting wrecked daily by unprecedented executive action.

Even now, Cory Booker and Liz Warren are playing ambulance chasing lawyer and showing up at protests with a bullhorn (Reynolds, 2017). Clinton isn’t in office, but wouldn’t your heart swell if she showed up at an airport? She’s too busy working on the launch of her Oprahesque talk show in preparation for the 2020 election. Gotta win over those white women somehow. Everyone look under your seats, it’s NeoLiberalism and James Taylor.

You’re right, though. We can’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. I’d certainly take a President Clinton now, either one. I’d take a President Cheney and that motherfucker belongs in a courtroom in The Hague along with that other lich, Clinton’s Pal Henry Kissinger, but I digress.

We have to get Trump/Bannon out of office, and if that means settling for Lawful Evil in order to get small hands Neutral Evil and his whisky-swilling neonazi henchman, Chaotic Evil out of the White House, so be it. We can deal with that shit later.

I’ll even cool it on the ableist slurs for a minute. The way I see it, I don’t punch people as a solution. I haven’t done it since I was a teenager, but if I were threatened I would. It’s a shitty thing done in self defense, just like calling Trump a crazy, fat, impotent, narcissistic sociopath piece of wormy dog shit manbaby. There’s collateral damage to those words, so even though I feel like it’s justified, I’ll abstain for the sake of others who don’t want to see it.

What we can do is get down to substantive discussion about his wholly unprecedented breach of the Constitution. We can call him what he is, which is a misogynistic asshole and probably a rapist. He may not technically be a fascist if we’re going by Trotsky’s definition, but he’s getting closer by the day. I’d hate to separate him from his American roots by implying he’s some sort of alien life form, though. He’s the American Dream come true.

I’m still going to say fascist. Herr Bannon runs Bartertown. He’s sitting on the shoulders of our sad sack President, but Master will be nothing without Blaster to ride.

Anyway, I know you’re tired and afraid. So am I. I promise to lay off shitting on Democrats two notches if you promise not to vilify me for pointing out Clinton’s weak-ass campaign for over a year.

Just, find another hero, okay? It ain’t her, unless you’re fond of President Tom Cotton as an eventuality. I’m not.

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