Weekend Beat

Hot Rentals

Genius (2016) – If you like montages, editing books, and montages about editing books, you’ll love this film. Max Perkins is a guy who never takes off his hat. Tom Wolfe is a crazy Southern writer with tuberculosis of the brain. The caricatures of famous authors really carry the film, and you’ll be wowed by Nicole Kidman’s performance as Psychotic Girlfriend. Four-and-a-half stars.

Tim Burton’s X-Men (2016) – Eva Green acts her pants off once again, figuratively this time. There’s a weird blonde chick, as is Burton’s forte, a leading boy boring enough to guarantee this franchise’s doom along the lines of Percy Jackson and the Aunt Who Touched Him, and enough wibbly wobbly timey wimey bullshit to confuse even the most hardened fan of nonsensical British science fiction pantomime. Two-and-a-half stars.

Suicide Squad (2016) – Everyone dies in the latest Star Wars installment. The rebels are on the run with a Betamax tape of the Death Star plans and nobody has free wifi. Alan Tudyk steals the show as Sassy Robot, and Darth Vader shows up and does cool shit. There’s enough vaguely racist stereotypes to keep the kids talking for years. The conclusion features Carrie Fisher’s latest and possibly penultimate Star Wars performance as Dead-eyed Cartoon Princess, giving us high hopes for more uncanny valley celebrity necromancy in the future. Five stars.

Real most stressful job – Editor of Tom Wolfe’s books.


Depending on your Facebook feed, we’re either approaching the pinnacle of American Greatness or we’re all about to die. Meryl Streep is afraid, and Bill Burr thinks she’s an idiot. The Democrats are mad at Paul Ryan but Cory Booker loves money too much to do anything about it. The Berniecrats are revolting, phew! Someone hose the Axe off those Brocialists because they’ve worked up a sweat posting hard and working those wage slave jobs. Stop whining, Millennials. Soon Mike Rowe will teach you the glory of hard work, plumbing, and eating bull testicles. Wrong show, but you know what we’re getting at. Here at U.S. News and World Report we’ll continue bringing the best in yarn hat patterns and lists of colleges you can’t possibly afford to attend.

Local News

We’ll have live streaming web coverage of the memorial service at Kate Middleton Middle School in Terrordrome Hills, California, for the entire sixth-grade class who perished last week from incurable drug-resistant brain tuberculosis. World Famous Actor and anti-science activist, Jim Carrey, lauded for his performances in Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls and The Majestic, will deliver the keynote speech over the incineration and mass grave complex which has been constructed behind the educational facilities.

Services for the fifth-grade class, which is currently dying of measles, mumps, whooping cough, polio, and smallpox, will be scheduled later next week.