Ten Albums That Changed My Teenaged Life ForeverĀ 

In no particular order:

  1. Foo Foo Dolls by the Goo Goo Fighters
  2. Jif by the Rowdy Fuckminstrels
  3. Babyweiner by Heroin Manband
  4. Here Comes 1974’s Hot New Country Western by various artists
  5. Real Men of Genius Sampler by Bud Light
  6. Touchdown by Jim Everett and the Nighthawks
  7. Ambient Trashcan Noises by Impromptu Jazz Ensemble
  8. Disco Cylon by Battlesynth Galactigasm
  9. The Day the Clown Cried Soundtrack by various artists
  10. Frampton Comes Alive by Peter Frampton

Kidding aside, there’s really only one. Spice Girls – Spice. I broke out in a cold sweat in Hastings as I lingered in the music aisle. I had to have it. It was a cassette in one of those huge plastic contraptions, so theft wasn’t an option. I never was much of a shoplifter anyway. My teen thrillseeking maxed out at puking Evan Williams on dirt roads.

I approached the register and pulled out a twenty. To my delight, the young woman behind the counter didn’t seem to give a fuck what I purchased. Nobody really does, but tell that to a long-haired leather-jacketed dude with a Britpop cassette in his sweaty hand.

Before I knew it, I was in my 1995 Ford Ranger unwrapping my prize with slightly trembling hands. Which side is it on? Where is “Two Become One” on this damned thing?

There it is. Fast forward. Yes. Yes. This is finally happening. It’s mine, all mine. Oh. Oh. It’s starting. Oh my.

Candlelight and soul forever.