2016: The Final Chapter

Put on your “I Survived 2016” t-shirts, children. You’re Final Girl and 2016 is chained to a boulder at the bottom of the lake.

I just saw someone post a Bob Denver obituary with the comment, “Oh nooooooo.” 2016 must have gotten its hands on a time machine in its final agonizing moments, because he died in 2005, or so we thought.

Imagine 2016 reaching its icy fingers out through time to touch the people you care about most. If it can travel backward, surely it can go forward? “But we won,” you’ll say. “We beat 2016 for good and now it’s Celebrity Smooth Sailing into the brightest imaginable future, the whole nineteen days of January before we flush this watery shitcloud turd we call America.”

No, 2016 is finished, but there’s a sequel in the works. If you love anything or anyone, then hold on to your booties, kids, because this one’s going to be a real thriller.

My spiritual adviser told me to keep my chin up. He was on the 10,000th hour of an intricate sand mandala, which he then threw into my face as if to prove a point about impermanence. “Where there’s life, there’s another chance, Bobby,” he said as he performed the first strokes of a new mandala. Still, I am almost certain I heard him mutter motherfucker under his breath as I walked away.

Will Giggles, Esq., was not so sure. “You gotta sell it all and put everything into canned food and shotguns,” he said.

“Will,” I said. “All due respect, but that’s a line from Gremlins 2 and nobody gets it.”

“Come on, baby,” he said, swinging his small, chubby fists around, “Gremlins 2 is fucking gold. You have this Trump/Ted Turner amalgam guy playing his end of the world tape. Then, the holographic doctor from Star Trek Voyager, uh, what’s his name? Yeah, Robert Picardo! He fucks Lady Gremlin. How does that even work? It’s all about corporate greed leading to the destruction of civilization! What’s not to love? Five fucking stars baby. 2017 is the year of the Gremlin!”

Whatever happens, my friends, take care of yourselves. I know not with what weapons 2017 will be fought, but 2018 will be fought with sticks and stones.

Happy New Year.