How to Score With Baristas

Maybe you’re sitting at your local artisan haus of grind ‘n’ brew, or, glans forbid, a fucking Starbucks, and you spot the new hire. She’s fresh into Eleventh Grade and you’ve checked all the city, state, and federal statutes. It’s time for the approach.

Here’s where most people fly this sexy Cessna right into the ground. Do you sidle up to the bar, brush aside your wispy chinstrap beard, which has the one hair that’s three times as long as all the other hairs (it’s the Emperor Hair from which all other hairs draw their power), and introduce yourself? Do you wait in the lobby for hours until she goes out to her car to smoke the secret cigarette she thinks her mom doesn’t know about, so you know which windshield wiper to poke your hastily scrawled declaration of admiration and contact information under?

I know your telomeres are shortening by the moment. You may be tempted to hand her your greasy, scone-encrusted phone, which you’ve already opened to your 20,000 word website manifesto on the scientifically proven benefits of intergenerational mating, and ask her to browse it between drink orders. You can wait, you’ll say. You have all night.

This is destined for failure. There’s no way she can absorb your genius without her full attention. When you feel this tingle, stop what you are doing, walk out of the shop, and follow these easy steps which will guarantee that you’ll be banging a young barista in fifteen easy steps.

  1. Go home and look into the mirror.
  2. Realize you are not a classic rock god. Unfortunately, we do not have the technology to change you into Led Zeppelin or David Bowie, yet.
  3. If you have the option to become royalty, or a billionaire, do so now. Billionaires seem to have the edge on low/high telomerase relationships.
  4. Otherwise, Google “Mental Health Professionals” in your area and select one that looks promising.
  5. Make an appointment.
  6. If you cannot afford to make an appointment, found your own religion and be sure to include precepts about how you should be allowed to save young women from cancer with the low telomerase levels in your skin.
  7. If you are not charismatic enough to start a religion, hit the gym and delete Facebook.
  8. Next, and this is important, make friends with people of the opposite sex in situations where there is not a power differential. For example, if they are your dental hygienist with their hands currently inside your mouth (note: if you do not have a dental hygienist get a dental hygienist) it is probably not a great time to ask them out. Likewise, if you are a law enforcement officer and you are currently arresting them for drunk and disorderly, this is also not a good time.
  9. When it comes down to popping the big question, make sure you have some rapport with the person and it’s not the first time you’ve spoken to them. Do not declare your eternal love and admiration. Do not show them your website. Do not, ever, write a cute note in pencil with yes/no boxes unless you are literally in Third Grade. (If this is the case, close this tab and go to bed young man, where the hell are your parents?)
  10. If you get turned down, no biggie! Smile and move on. It’s okay to go home and shed a single manly tear or two, but dust yourself off and get back to living. There are about two billion other dateable women on the planet. You cannot possibly repulse all of them!
  11. Suggestion: You may want to make sure they’ve graduated high school, bro. I know, I know. Telomerase. Thing is, you want them to be able to grasp the full gravity of your theories and they didn’t pay attention in chemistry at all. In physical science they were passing notes and lighting their homework on fire with the burners in the back of the class. Why are those still installed? It seems like a really bad idea to give teenagers easy access to explosive gas. Do you catch my drift, bro? How about some college? A little college? Work with me here.
  12. At this point you may have had a date or two. Perhaps you’ve entered a long term relationship and it’s your one week anniversary. Do not celebrate this. Your one month anniversary rolls around. Do not mention it bro, it’s creepy. Especially if you update your Facebook (which you should have deleted, bro, but now that you’re settled down I’m sure you’ve been dragged back into the pits of online hell) with, “so blessed. #blessed. blessed blessed blessed.” Do not, under any circumstances, post this.
  13. Now you’ve reached the one year mark and you’ve almost arrived, brother. It’s your one year anniversary. Go to Bed, Bath, & Beyond, purchase the nicest Cafina you can afford, wrap it nicely, bring it to her apartment (I hope you aren’t cohabitating man DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING), and present it to her.
  14. Ask, politely, if she’d like to fire that sucker up.
  15. Now you’re plowing a barista, broham.

This may seem daunting, but as it is with life, you have to take it one step at a time. Don’t rush it. Hell, man, I’ve installed ceiling fans by carefully following the instructions and I don’t know a goddamned thing about electricity. I can’t even do redstone circuits on Minecraft. Oh, you know all about them? Why don’t you come over and show me sometime?

Until then, take it easy and try not to get down about it. Maybe work on editing your manifesto. It seems a little long-winded and repetitive. I think you could get it down to 2,000 words, easily.