JONESBORO, AR (KAIT) – As election results arrived last Tuesday night, a Jonesboro man sought to slip the surly bonds of Earth in a hastily-constructed homemade rocket.
Local authorities report that according to information retrieved from www.thebobtalbott.com, Bob Talbott, 47, allegedly took his newborn son, mounted a broken dishwasher, and set it ablaze in an attempt to achieve low Earth orbit.
There were no survivors.
Friends and family gathered at the Mall at Turtle Creek Barnes & Noble, where he had been employed for over a decade as a discount book merchandiser.
“Bob was always discussing Communism, but we thought it was one of his quirks, you know, like the way that vein stood out in his forehead when he clenched his jaw,” said Kristi Walters, his former supervisor. “No one could have seen this coming. Well, between you and me I totally saw it coming, but no one else saw it coming.”
“So your ‘lesser of two evils’ won, what’s your plan now?” said J.D. Farley, cash register supervisor and self-proclaimed “comrade” of Bobby Tolbot. “If your answer is ‘try again in four years’, you are the problem. We need to organize and we needed to do it years ago.”
Tolbott was a lifetime resident of Northeast Arkansas and graduated from Arkansas State University in 2011. Some of his listed Facebook interests were Miley Cyrus, Star Trek, and Austin Powers: Goldmember. His self-described “crowning acheivements” were, “Getting the first post in the ‘Johnny Cash is dead’ thread on FARK dot com,” and “SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE.”
The family of Bobbi Tolbert requests that in lieu of flowers donations be sent to the Communist Party USA.
That’s all, Comrades!