We’ve just received the most recent polling report, and it’s clear that Bob Talbot 2016: FULL COMMUNISM, BABY has secured an overwhelming victory against insidious incrementalism, fascist Trumpenprolery, and Jill Stein.
Our advice to you now is to stay home, “home” being the 27-mile-long early voting line you’ve been forced to submit as your new permanent mailing address. The fascists voted two months ago from their plantations via text message. Your faces will surely be mashed into the sticky asphalt by mechanized police assault battalions. We will erect monuments to you over natural hot springs, allowing the earth to periodically shoot scalding tears through the copper ducts of statues depicting thousands of your mutilated, jackboot-stamped visages. Bobspeed.
If you have not already committed the teachings of Chairman Bob to memory, do so now. After the scourge of social media has been laid to waste and the servers are reworked to host Chairman Bob’s Ultima Online revival, the words of your Great Leader will only exist in the hearts and minds of the Glorious Workers’ Revolution.
Victory is within our grasp. The long months of clicking and gnashing will soon come to an end when the oft-referenced sky, which was always secure above your worried heads, finally comes crashing down.
Beware bourgeoisie propagandists who strain to convince you of their regime’s stability in the coming days. This cannot be so while the pusillanimous step-grandchildren of the U.S. Cavalry stalk the Great Plains, while our strong Communist athletes are ostracized for rightfully protesting fascist police actions but pasty dull sorority wenches are celebrated for impersonating a militarized border, and while access to proper health care is still gripped in the sweaty nepotized claws of coke-bingeing trust fund babies.
The legitimate rage that thuds in your chest is pure and genuine. Do not be shamed into surrender. Your children, nieces, nephews, will view the cosmos through their own eyes. Their steely offspring will scan, replicate, and make it theirs, ours, all equal in the glow of interstellar radiation.
Chairman Bob is with you, always, my children. No retreat, no surrender, take off and vote BOB TALBOT 2016: FULL COMMUNISM, BABY.
It’s the only way to be sure.