It is likely that, when casting your lifesaving, world-changing vote for Bob Talbot 2016: FULL COMMUNISM, BABY, you will be harassed and intimidated by Fascist Lumpenpoll Workers who seek to rob you of your agency. Follow these easy steps to ensure that you effectively participate in the singular shining way you, simple citizen, can affect the future of humanity. Keep in mind the importance of this gesture. Nothing but voting will save the planet. Every other effort you undertake is an act of futility.
Presented here is the Eightfold Path to Voting Supremacy. Copy and distribute this pamphlet to your comrades and look forward bravely. Your grandchildren will burst forth in the deep shafts of Ganymede’s collective mines.
- Toss your Eggo in their general direction and shout, in a clear and determined tone, “Get thee behind me, Jill Stein.”
- Call 1-866-733-2463 (1-866-SEEC-INFO) and say the secret words, “I am attempting to vote for Trump,” which will get you past the snort-and snicker screening callbot and through to an actual FBI agent who will record your complaint and forward it to your local Sturmabteilung.
- Bring $20 in Kohl’s cash, in case of situations where bribery may become necessary.
- Only use a paper ballot. The machines, which have been tampered with and encoded to record incorrect votes for John Kerry, Ralph Nader, or Bob Dole depending on your district, will be destroyed in the post-election revolution. Your paper ballots will be burned in a bin behind the polling station and we will retrieve your votes with special techniques we viewed on MacGyver.
- If you are registered in a district that historically votes Republican, you will enjoy short lines, cordiality, and complimentary mint juleps. If you are forced to cast your vote in a Democrat-majority district, prepare for waits of up to 72 hours, gladiatorial combat, obstacle courses which will test your strength and skill, and inexplicably operational millennia-old booby traps. Only the penitent man shall pass. Penitent. Penitent. The penitent man kneels and somersaults before God.
- Do not leave without voting. If your body fails you, scrawl your intended vote onto the pavement with your own blood or excrement and breathe your last knowing you ushered forth a bold new era of Gender Neutral Polyamorous Space Communism.
- If you are in line next to a congenial but oddly insincere voter with a suspiciously askew mustache who introduces himself as “Henry Lee Rodman-Clanton,” do not divulge your intent. Back away slowly and blow your corruption whistle.
- And, as always, vote early and vote often.
Our time draws near. Dust the cobwebs off the camping gear you purchased to wait in line for Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace and head to your duly designated polling station. The payoff will be just as great, if not surpassing, the joy you felt when you first witnessed that triumph of modern filmmaking.
My Bob, it’s full of stars.