Today one of my Top Men privately suggested that my particular brand of Space Communism may have dissuaded people from voting altogether. Nothing can be further from the truth. Your Chairman fully recognizes the value of having the workers rise and stand in line for up to 12 hours (or 12 minutes in a Republican majority district) in order to press buttons. Studies have shown that the mere implication of political influence, real or imagined, prevents the proletariat from engaging in pyromancy and livestock buggery. No dictator, benevolent or otherwise, would be wise to remove this option.
I have spoken frequently about the value of voting for Bob Talbot 2016: FULL COMMUNISM, BABY, but I haven’t expressed the necessity of voting on downticket elections and ballot measures. For your convenience I will list suggested choices for Arkansas, which you may print out and distribute at your leisure. (If a local candidate or measure is not listed here, use your best judgement and then vote the opposite because everything you believe is decidedly shit. Unless it’s weed. Vote for weed.)
If you are one of the 99% of Americans who do not reside in Arkansas, stay home and burn one. Your liberators will soon arrive.
Issue 1: Can I fuck a bear? – NAY.
(The wording here is grammatically unclear. The state has no place deciding whether or not you have the ability to fuck bears. We support a full relaunch next cycle under “May the people of Arkansas engage in consensual sexual relationships with bears.”)
Issue 2: When the Governor is out of state, may we go to their house and watch their Blu-Ray? – YEA.
Issue 3: To create a separate but equal civil union recognizing human-ursine relationship bonds. – NAY.
(We will not rest until the legal institution of marriage is extended to bears, but only after required cybernetic enhancements, which would allow proper communication, are researched and developed. Communication is the bedrock of healthy relationships.)
Issue 4: To create a system for betting on gladiatorial combat between infants under 6 months of age and adults age 18+, whereas the adult must use both hands to hold the infant up to their face and may not strike or headbutt or otherwise harm the infant in any way, and the infant must box or paw at the adult’s face as long as the adult combatant is able to hold the infant up without tiring, all proceeds going to the world class Arkansas Children’s Hospital – YEA.
Issue 5: Some shit no one understands, in order to raise or lower something badly worded and receive the standard distribution of random votes from confused citizens except the few who are previously informed of the measure who will inevitably sway the outcome in their favor – YEA.
Issue 6: To legalize the huffing of paint fumes from standard authorized containers to be distributed at sanctioned places of worship and bowling alleys – NAY.
Issue 7: To legalize the huffing of paint fumes from any container only on the premises of a licensed paint dealer or within 20 yards of any privately owned dumpster – YEA.
Issue 8: To permit sentient sand sculptures to be licensed as cosmetologists. – YEA.
Arkadelphia Alderman Ward 6: Merle Hobbs – HAIR CARE USA PARTY
Batesville Mayor: Sandy “Sand” Sanderson – LITERALLY MADE OF SAND PARTY
Bay City Meth Disposal Supervisor: Jim “Snorty” Mays – UNAFFILIATED
Bentonville State Representative District 91: Fred “Not That One” Durst – I AM NOT THE GUY FROM LIMP BIZKIT PARTY
Conway Alderman Ward 1: Sandal Sandstone – HAIR CARE USA PARTY
Hoxie Dogcatcher: Rex Bella Missie – THREE DOGS IN A TRENCHCOAT PARTY
Jonesboro Mayor: Chairman Bob “The Merchandise” Talbot – FULL COMMUNISM, BABY
Little Rock Alderman Ward 4: Sando “Sandman” Sanders – LITERALLY MADE OF SAND PARTY
Mountain Home Mayor: Tex “Bear Fucker” Hendershot – FURPENETRATION NOW
Newton County Sheriff – Grghhhg Rhhghhhn – RGHRHH ROARGHHH
Pine Bluff Alderman Ward 2: Charles William “Rerun” Washington – IS THIS THE PART OF THE FORM WHERE YOU LIST PARTY [ILLEGIBLE SCRIBBLING] WHY AM I ASKING A FORM A QUESTION [MORE SCRIBBLING] TURN PAGE OVER HEY I TRIED TO START A PARTY BUT I WAS UP AGAINST THE DEADLINE AND I JUST GOT OUT OF [CHARACTER LIMIT]
Stone County Sheriff: Will “I Fuck A Bear” Yessman – LITERALLY MADE OF SAND PARTY
Texarkana City Clerk: Wendy Fenster-McGill – SPORTCLIPS UNION
Trumann Teen Pregnancy Mascot: Alexis “Octomom II” [last name withheld under state juvenile privacy law] – SIXTEEN AND PREGNANT PARTY
Underground Herget Dome Comptroller: Maximillian Xanth – MOLEMAN ALLIANCE
Walnut Ridge Mayor: Jim “Sandbear” Wallace – RGHRHH ROARGHHH
West Memphis State Senator District 24: Write-in Damien Wayne Echols.
Remember, kids: Vote early and vote often!