Let’s cut the shit. You don’t have time to read. This is already way longer than a tweet and there aren’t large white letters at the top and bottom. Sweet Christmas, I’ve already lost half of you. This is by design. I need to reduce my core followers to the curious and the patient.
Aaaand I went too far. Now it’s just Mom reading. Hi, Mom. I’ll repost again tomorrow.
Aaaand we’re back.
Do you live in a solidly blue or red state? Feeling disenfranchised? Can’t decide which fringe candidate to rage-vote for? Well I have six words for you (or seven or more depending on how you count a year as words, because I am pretty sure that one number is one compound word regardless of the individual units it comprises but you could certainly get into a philosophical argument about the semantics of that):
Bob Talbot 2016: FULL COMMUNISM, BABY.
This is all you need to know.
A giant fucking waterslide. NASA is now the National Astronomically-huge Slide Administration. Elon Musk is at the head. I don’t mean he’s the Secretary of Waterslide I mean he’s literally the guy at the top who pulls the lever. We’ll start in the Rockies to save time. The waterslide decapitates everyone who rides it. Sorry. This is the price of progress.
We’re going to do Hyperloop, guys. It’s going to be everywhere and it’s going to take so many people to run it that everyone’s going to have a job. Cars are outlawed. Fossil fuel is out. Fission is in until we can get Fusion going. I just saved over a million lives a year. Thank me later.
The Space Program is now outsourced to North Korea. We will promise them Venus if they can get there. Chairman Kim has not disappointed us yet. We’ll ship the test pilots in from Wall Street. Godspeed.
Cuba is in charge of health care. The entire island will become a hospital with miracle vaccines for cancer, which will be mandatory. Everyone gets the Concorde to the island. Yep, we’re bringing back the Concorde. We’re also flying fast and low, fuck your windows.
The Statue of Liberty will be melted down and recast as a statue of The People’s Majesty Chelsea Manning, whose steely eyes will watch over the rubble of Manhattan for all time.
Edward Snowden will be Minister of the Archives and instead of reciting the Pledge of Allegiance every morning, schoolchildren will sit through a 15 minute broadcast where he reads emails exposing past corruption and delivers a moral lesson about how Capitalism poisons everything it touches.
OH AND YOUR SHITTY HOMESCHOOL IS CLOSED, EZEKIEL. THANK ME LATER.
In our gratitude to the Ecuadorian embassy, Julian Assange will be made God-Emperor of London, which will become a protectorate of Ecuador.
The UK will otherwise be free to fuck up their own shit, except the BBC, under threat of nuclear annihilation. Poldark is renewed forever.
Thank. Me. LATER.
Honestly the justice system is pretty fucked up yo so we’re going to open all the prison doors, clear the books (criminal and civil) and start over. There will be a year long “purge” period while we install civilian review boards, fire all law enforcement, and train new ones hired from a pool of citizens who pass a rigorous psychological examination and have a undergraduate degree.
Which is fine because education is FREEEEEEEE THIS SHIT IS FREE PEOPLE WE CAN AFFORD IT NOW BECAUSE WE CANCELLED ALL THE WARS. Every war, cancelled. It will be easy after we pass out the books for state-sanctioned religion. You’ll love it. Reader’s Digest versions of all the classics, and some new ones. Then we just pull back, turtle up, and wait for the glory of STAR RAVAGING.
We’re going to get into space, guys. You can get your own asteroid, whatever. Start your stupid fascist colony there. There’s a giant frickin’ laser beam pointed at you. Have fun.
The Bobolonian Star Concordance will stretch across the vast reaches of the cosmos. We will bridge the gap from squishy meat bodies to robot bodies to robot brains. We will harvest materials from the nebulae. We will become one with the universe.
Rewind for a second and seriously all you white people have to go back to Europe. In lieu of reparations just fucking get on a boat. No planes for you. We’re naming them all Titanic-A, Titanic-B, Titanic-C, and so on, so good luck with that. If there’s any question about where you belong, it’s up to the Congress of Remaining Americans to decide. There’s a waiting list.
Anyone who gets their panties in a bunch about that goes on the slide.
I will survey the earth from my mountain fortress in Switzerland. We’re going to fix Julie Andrews’s voice with highly advanced Cuban medical technology and she’s going to sing The Sound of Music every morning when the sun rises.
THANK ME LATER.
The National Anthem is whatever I decide it is that day. It is not, nor will it ever be, Mr. Big Stuff.
My Vice President will be Terry Gene “Hulk Hogan” Bollea. We’re going to Mars, people. We’ve got a big fucking slide and the Cubans are curing cancer. If you have a problem with this, go ahead, let those without sin cast the first stone.
Then you get the slide.
This is it, guys. This is your chance. Why stand in line for twelve hours to vote for nothing when you can really embrace the nihilism of your futile existence and write in Bob Talbot for President?
A vote not worth casting isn’t worth casting well.
Get your dicks out and thank me now.