A Message From the Chairman

The Scoundrel Billy Joel once wrote, “We didn’t start the fire. It was always burning since the world’s been turning.” As a beneficiary of Late Capitalism’s questionable taste in entertainment, he would fucking say that.

Paupers have always been shovel-fed offal while Kings insist the worm-infested shit tubes that sustain them are top sirloin.

The commoners will argue the nature of this meal. Is it edible? Must we consume it? Our children will starve without! Some will point out what wriggles within, but most end up choking it down regardless.

The people riot and the King gives them a holiday. The scrap heap teems and festers. Soon that day, originally meant to placate those disgruntled workers, is a celebration of spending and excess.

The people cry out for health care and the King presents a salve for their Syphilitic lesions. “No,” some say. “We need penicillin. Single payer. What you provide is a less-than-half measure, infected with the disease itself.” The King says, “Take this poultice. You’re in so much pain. Ease your suffering. It won’t be long now.”

The weary public accepts this and returns home. It hurts too much to continue.

That’s why Bob Talbot 2016 pledges to drill a hole into the center of the earth with the specific purpose of tossing The Wretch Billy Joel into it.

Long have we suffered under his tyranny. He creeps into our darkened hallways and croons through cracked doors in hoarse whispers when our children have been particularly bad. It is no matter that their behavioral issues are caused specifically by the constant broadcast of Lynyrd Skynyrd, Bob Seger, and The Crone Joel himself, into their heads through tiny amplifiers installed in their rotting teeth by Capitalist Dentists in collusion with Sugar Barons.

We speak to the young now, his terrors fresh in your mind. You, the 18-21 demographic, can only vote now because of a series of mistakes involving American Warlord Henry Kissinger and his child soldiers (#GetKissinger) demanding equal rights as citizens. Even the risk-averse car rental industry won’t do business with anyone under 25. Fulfill your destiny and vote Bob Talbot 2016: FULL COMMUNISM, BABY. The Scourge William Joel will be emtombed in a Hell of our making and you will be rightfully disenfranchised until you pass a comprehensive battery of examinations or you turn 30, whichever comes first.

Read our platform.

Gaze into our vision for the future.

Vote early and vote often.

Bob Talbot 2016: FULL COMMUNISM, BABY. We’ll be here when you need us.