It’s time to reframe this debate in a way you can understand.
There’s always someone trying to sell you immortality. When Dr. Oz or David “Avocado” Wolfe presents the new way to beat cancer with poppy seeds and New Balance shoes, your chancrous heart splinters with joy at the prospect of living forever.
The sales pitch of political necessity is the uglier cousin of that beast. If you were only able to pull off what a particular narcissistic sociopath wants you to do (and please, don’t listen to that other narcissistic sociopath over there. They have no idea what they’re talking about!) then your life, the lives of your offspring, and the very world itself may be saved.
Bob Talbot 2016 submits that you’re being sold a lie. It’s in italics so you know it’s true. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. Humans are visual creatures. Bring on the charts.
This is the narrative you’re currently being sold. Looks pretty accurate, right? The obvious choice is to vote Clinton and save the world, so you might as well hit that button even if you live in an 85% Red State, correct? WRONGO. Allow me to pull back the curtain.
As you can see, the shoes aren’t going to put your lymphoma into remission. You gonna die. Furthermore, your children are going to die horribly and the grandkids (if you’re childfree4lyfe, imagine we’re just talking about the human race here), if they survive (and that’s winning the lottery at this point) are going to be great Australian desert mechanics. Even then, because of your specific Gary Johnsonesque failure to plan ahead, the sun will expand and reduce our fetid shitpile to a smoldering husk. The cinder of your hopes and dreams will fall through the frigid void, forever.
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!
Vote for Bob Talbot 2016 now and receive these valuable prizes!
If you’re not familiar with our platform, read it now. You don’t have anything to lose but everything. We’re going to get all that done, then we’re going to start working on interdimensional travel. The other candidates will distract you with fart noises and doom. I’m going to present you with your inescapable mortality and then I’m going to fuck its shit up.
Any vote not worth casting isn’t worth casting well.
Take off and write-in Bob Talbot 2016: FULL COMMUNISM, BABY.
It’s the only way to be sure.