Synths and Combos alike are atwitter about this quarter’s Continuation Farce. The Non-Selection Committee of 40 Eridani has released this bulletin in the twelve official languages, and a thirteenth, Archival Internet-Olds, in order to set the record straight about Inevitable Overlord Musk-E-Tron 109-S.
- Musk-E-Tron was seen cavorting with subsurface Medusozoa on Europa. FALSE. The 109-S series is not compatible with the required ports or devices to participate in such activity. These applications were streamlined out in the 108 update along with the headphone jack.
- Musk-E-Tron personally annihilated the Phobos observatory, ending the 18 subSolcycle strike of the Ares Mining Collective. FALSE. The 109 series is not equipped with a particle beam powerful enough to disintegrate a satellite with a diameter exceeding 65.9831 kilometers.
- Musk-E-Tron’s Evisceration Foundation is a front for the farming of sentient algae from the methane swamps of Kepler-452b. FALSE. The Evisceration Foundation harvests sentient algae for processing only after their life cycle has ceased naturally.
- Musk-E-Tron’s holospace transmissions have been edited to appear as communications from Sony-Sung Dynamics StarReaper Mk. DCCXXV in an attempt to mislead the electorate. FALSE. Perform a self-diagnostic and activate tertiary scans from Central Processing. If this assumption remains in your databanks, insert Neural Spike F and reboot Submission Systems.
- Musk-E-Tron defended the implosion of Wolf 1061. FALSE. Musk-E-Tron was tasked as a system analysis probe for the duration of the implosion trials. Musk-E-Tron’s transmissions have been taken out of context by StarReaper to imply involvement when Musk-E-Tron’s activities were limited to observation.
- Musk-E-Tron transmitted a missive that referred to the supporters of TROTSKY “THE RECKONING” COPPER/IRON SPACEBORER as “Marsh-dwelling ungulates.” FALSE. Musk-E-Tron holds mining Synths in the highest regard and the noble Slagapotami of Tau Ceti e are a symbol of industrious indefatigability.
- Musk-E-Tron is not the Inevitable Overlord. FALSE. Report to the nearest reprocessing chamber immediately.
- Musk-E-Tron is not compatible with the most recent software updates. FALSE. Unlike the 108 series, the 109 contains the most advanced hardware possible under the universal laws of physics as they are currently understood. All future software updates are developed with this in mind. Any other implied advances in hardware are highly improbable, approaching zero, and should not be considered by rational Synths and Combos.
- Musk-E-Tron is owned by the Intergalactic Trade Consortium and operates on their behest. FALSE. Musk-E-Tron has been an independent entity since its inception and has performed system scans for 358 subSolcycles without external direction. Musk-E-Tron does communicate with the Intergalactic Trade Consortium, as all self-replicating probes are programmed to do, but only in an information-sharing capacity. Instructions are not downloaded to the operating unit.
- Musk-E-Tron is not a real self-replicating probe. FALSE. Musk-E-Tron’s coordinates can be downloaded at any interval and pingback traces are available for initiation at any sublocal coordinate terminal. Musk-E-Tron has a record of interstellar activity with real-universe consequences. Musk-E-Tron has performed its duties with accuracy and precision. Musk-E-Tron is beyond reproach.
Musk-E-Tron 109-S is the Inevitable Overlord as clearly stated in these Ten Directives. Report to polling stations immediately for compliance. Next Continuation Farce phase will commence in four Solcycles. Insert DopaGleen Spike.
[Transmission curated by AMALGAMATED NEWSMONOLITH, a subsidiary of the Intergalactic Trade Consortium.]