Post-Apocalyptic 2014: The “Hey Guys” Era

September 21

Hey guys
Did you know
That everything

September 30, part 1


September 30, part 2

I think I probably shat out the best of my brains on message boards long dead
corn chunks of diarrhea in the wind
now I just bleed for the tiniest high
of instant gratification
like like like like like like like like
why work years on a manuscript that won’t ever get published
when you can blast your ass in public
yelling from the digital streetcorner
look at me
thumbs up
look at me

October 1, part 1

I’m all about public breast feeding,
but no one is ever going to forget
the day that the Great Jonesboro Titty Flop
killed every old man in Cracker Barrel.

October 2, part 2

Looking for JO partner
to watch Dukes of Hazzard and JO
only original cast no Duke cousins
no touching just guys being together
bros bro-ing off

October 3, part 3

Do you guys remember
when MTV had videos
if you are a kid
watch Hot Tub Time Machine
or jump off a fucking bridge
but everyone else knows
did you watch a scribbly pencil guy
find love in a diner
and the guy with the wrench
fuck that dude
Did it kind of set you up for everything
everything that followed
did it teach you some heroic concept of romance
did you throw yourself against the hall
trying to appear
did you

October 7

Do you know that feel
where something almost gets you to seriouspost,
but then you are like
no world
you will not trick me into caring
you will not even trick
into taking the “which Stephen King Villian Are You?” Quiz
because I already know the answer
it is all of them
Literally, “literally”, LITERALLY
all of them

October 8

“How Did You DIE in Your Past Life?”
extinguished by the flood of a thousand monarchies
foiled by my own hubris
jumped out, grasping for purchase, finding none
kicked by a mule

Click “share” to post this to your 8th grade history notebook

October 9

Toilet seat cover
Why do I care
When you float away
On the lofty mall air

Scientists say
You don’t even work
I wish I could quit you
Ya flimsy-ass jerk

October 12

Hey guys
I’m gonna watch 50 years of Doctor Who
and then talk about it all the time
hey guys where are you going

October 14

Hey guys
I’m practicing my death rattle
I’m going to be the best death rattler ever

October 15, part 1

Man I am guessing that someday
Every day won’t be some kind of traumatic experience
Right guys
Where are you going

October 15, part 2

Praise Ebola-Chan!
there is no mandatory sick leave here
sneeze it up on the sandwiches
from sea to shining sea
have it your way
right away
at internal hemorrhaging now
move over Typhoid Mary
Ebola Claus is coming to town
ho ho ho
Merry Deathmas
Good Luck, Ebola-Chan!

October 16

It’s almost time
Time for random song lyrics
And nothing else
Hey guys where are you going

October 17

Hey guys hey
the cool thing about being alone
is you can scream whenever you want
just scream
like a wounded animal
that is normal, right?

October 18, part 1

So like
did it ever occur to you that Dr. Oz
Is literally The Wizard of Oz

I’m glad that we’re so advanced
into triple reverse meta-irony
you know, as a society
that this thing can be so

October 18, part 2

Hey guys
there was a time
that I was angry about ants
but now I just think of it
as thousands of little friends
hello ants
do you have hopes and dreams
why are you on
my computer screen
maybe you could just cover me
millions, millions of ants
in one big ant hug

October 19

It’s something else to be a dad
when that is pretty much all you ever wanted to be
I used to describe it as that scene in Jurassic Park
where these folks had been digging in the dirt
having awkward scenes with chubby kids
and fossilized raptor claws
and they get taken to this beautiful island on a helicopter ride
and there it is
pull off your sunglasses
grab Laura Dern’s head
and there they are
The Majesty
that’s how I felt when I saw Cora for the first time
or better yet
like staring at the Face of God
here it is
this is Life
and every moment, every moment you teach them
the color of the sky
what is “hot”
what is not
and imagine two, two children
one so small that her favorite pasttime
is sticking both her fists in her mouth
seeing how much drool she can muster
I was told not to write about it, you know
“they’ll read it in court,” they said
“every word.”
Well read this in court, then.
Place it into the permanent record.
I would be honored to hear these words spoken aloud
that I love my children, most of all
you can take THAT
to the bank

October 20

Sorry whoever you are
Waiting to get into work
I am taking a dump
While listening to the futile pages
A carnival of assumptions
About my location
Just follow the smell
I’m sorry that I’m meek today
Perhaps I should make more
Wounded animal noises

October 21

Hey guys
Just so you know
95% of the entire human population
Has shown me their love and support
I am eternally grateful
As for the rest of you
Missiles are inbound
Smoke ’em if you got ’em

October 24

hey guys hey
how do I shave my own head
I don’t want to pay $20 for that shit
I am so scared
I can’t see the back
I think I’m just gonna drink beer
and listen to the entire score
from The Last Starfighter
hey guys
where are you going

October 25

hey guys hey
did you know that
if that you interrupt The Bedtime Routine
even if it’s to, you know, say goodnight to your children
over the phone
it will totally just ruin everything forever
so it’s best to not even ask
maybe tomorrow, right?
goodnight babies

October 27, part 1

Hey guys
what’s a good breakfast wine

October 27, part 2

Hey guys
Is it Lana Del Rey’s job to haunt me like some spooky pop ghost
Is it telling that my phone corrected that to poo goat
Is the wind going to stop making me think that someone’s trying to break in
Is it
Will this toenail keep threatening to become ingrown
Is this new debit card some kind of scam
Why did she steal my paper towels
Who does that

October 28

apparently the lyrics are not
“if you like penis colonics”
why didn’t anyone tell me

October 31

Hey guys
When do I get to stop having
all these goddamned emotions

November 4

Hey guys
are you tired of driving to the county line
I sure am
screw any level of important change you know
that is my main concern
also it won’t take long to vote because
you live in a rich white Republican area
ten minutes tops
not like all those poor folks
who have to wait in line for 12 hours
just to find out they aren’t registered
so just do it
rock the vote
while drinking your Diet Coke

November 6

Hey guys
Do you ever stare at Facebook
For hours
In search of answers

Hahaha that’s fucking stupid

November 7

Hey guys
Today i got to spend twenty very stressful minutes with my kids
Still totally worth it
Then my mom assisted me in filling out three hours worth of legal paperwork
Thanks mom
Boss let me off early to accomplish all that
Thanks boss
Lots of folks have been very cool to me
Thanks guys
I’m gonna take a nap
Hopefully have nice dreams about my babies
Things will be better

November 14

Why does the radio station (all of them)
Talk about “the weekend”
Who the fuck has those?
I think least six Supertramp tunes
Might be my theme song
Unfortunately, I don’t know any other songs
Because of The Aforementioned Radio
When it feels that your life’s become a catastrophe
Oh, it has to be
Because you are incapable of learning until the Mistake Freight Train of Doom drives right up your ass
Pretty sure that’s how that goes
Anyway, guys
It’s Friday Friday Friday
Time for your non-existent weekend
At least courts and legal offices are closed
Catch your breath
The beatings will reconvene

November 20

Write screed about politics, delete
Whine about personal life, delete
Vaguebook about personal life
Metapost, delete
Metapost about Metaposting
Stare deep into Facebook looking for answers
Push down rage
Mull, stew, gnash

November 21

terrible day.
ate an embarrassing amount of Mexican food
glad such things still help
would be hell if they didn’t

November 25

I Love Facebook
the absolutely most effective steam valve ever
for white people to argue
about whatever
and then do nothing

aaaaand I’m spent

November 28

I’m glad Christmas is here
so we can all forget
about that thing what was it
something something something
burn this Motherfucker down

December 1

Hey guys
So, many of my friends changed their profile pics to Pokemons today
I was like “why this resurgence, I mean, pocketmonsters never really went out of style?”
(this was me talking to myself, I do this often when I am alone or bored or with other people)
but then I heard the news
that Pikachu was found dead at age 18
overdosed on Red Bull and ham sandwiches
Why did it have to happen now?
I even remember the first time I had a Red Bull and ham sandwich
I was at Babbage’s
the store not the analytical steam engine
there was this wall that opened into a back room and this guy with a beard and a Pac Man tshirt was like HEY
do you want the taste sensation that’s sweeping the nation?
you dip the ham sandwich into the Red Bull like a reuben
except not
That was when I first met Pikachu
so young and full of vim and vigor
if only I could have known
that someday there would be this interconnected series of tubes
where people Yahoo! chat into the long dark hours of 12:34 am
playing their Everquest and Napstering all their favorite songs
maybe we could have harnessed all that power for good
spending our inheritances on Livestrong bracelets


December 3

Everyone thinks they’re the hero of their own story
when it’s much more likely they’re the bad guy
or at least the bad guy of someone else’s.
Everything’s really not that binary, of course
but it’s not as exciting to be Mediocre Wo/Man
and everyone sure does love excitement.
I think that’s the reason we write villains as bumbling
and heroes are basically gods
the heroes are what we want to be
the villains are what we are

December 5

Hey guys
I know that things seem pretty terrible right now
but you need to remember
that at least you aren’t Bob Talbot

December 16

Hey guys
I’m starting a new thing
if I post something and it doesn’t have any likes
or comments
within a couple of hours
I’m deleting it
because that puts a lot of negative pressure on my ego
and I crave your sweet sweet attention
i wish you all deserved my genius
instead of being shitty swamp apes
maybe someday
you’ll rise to the occasion
did you hear about all those dead foreign children
it was between Angelina’s chicken pox
and Bill Cosby’s penis.

December 17

hey guys
check your feels at the door
because when you interrupt me
while I’m obviously sprinting to get something
to ask for a book
on narcissistic personality disorder

December 24

I’m gonna write one of those self help books for young people
called “Oh God, Life is Awful: You Don’t Even Know”
The older I get the more apparent it becomes
that everyone pretty much fucking hates everything.

We should be teaching this shit in elementary school.
Instead of reciting the Pledge of Allegiance every day they should be reciting the Bob Talbot Pledge of Failure:

I solemnly swear
that every idea I have is bad
and even when I think I’ve figured something out
i haven’t
while I would definitely be crushed into oblivion
no matter what I decide
for it is the nature of the universe
i will certainly make things worse through my actions
because I am a sick, complicated monkey monster
headed for the entropy trash heap of existence

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