Now that I’ve been attending conventions for over two years, I’m pretty certain I have everything figured out. Been longing for that special access? A $40 handshake from a Power Ranger isn’t quite enough for you to get it up anymore? Then hold onto your socks, kiddies, because Bob “The Merchandise” Talbot has the inside scoop.
- Cute babies wow celebrities. Note: be sure your baby is objectively cute. Bonus Level: if the baby is hungry and the celebrity is lactating perhaps they will feed it for you although this has only been successfully tested with Salma Hayek.
- A precocious child interviewer will get you everywhere. Again, take great care that the child is actually cute and not just taking up twenty feet of three photo-op lines with their entire complement of Thomas & Friends and their Radio Flyer wagon fully kitted out to take on the fucking Oregon Trail.
- Be attractive, don’t be unattractive.
- Press Pass. PRESS PASS. Don’t work for a journalistic organization? The editor-in-chief of The Bob Talbot dot com, “Howlin’ Mad” Bob Talbot, says you do. Go get ’em, Tiger.
- Catch the falling stars in the hotel bar.
- Find a photograph of their deceased parents and cosplay it with extreme accuracy. Grab your best cosmetologist buddy and hit the vintage clothing stores. Hang around the periphery of the lines and look forlorn. Disappear soon after they notice you.
- Volunteer. That’s right. We need someone like YOU to stand around and yell at people while you work the curtain next to David Tennant. Now you’re living the dream.
- Start a small business, put in 20 years of work as a vendor at every convention you can possibly attend, and feel the rush of adrenaline as your shop gets mentioned during a Q&A panel.
- Spend literally thousands of dollars.
- The washed up actor with no line? You’re now their biggest fan with streetwise knowledge of/folksy wisdom about the local scene. They probably need someone to do a “liquor” run. Your keen hustling skills honed from years of GTA will finally come in handy.
- Be John Barrowman.
With these secrets at your disposal you’ll be doing coke off hookers with Chris Kattan in no time. Here’s to adventure, junior space cadets.