Harry Potter and the Cursed Child

FADE IN:

EX. MINISTRY OF MAGIC – DAY

In the heart of London, a busy street bustles around an otherwise nondescript building.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MINISTRY OF MAGIC – OFFICE OF MUGGLE STUDIES – DAY

HARRY POTTER, 36, struggles with a large grey plastic piece of hardware.

HARRY
Fuck.

RON WEASLEY, 37, is, with great concentration, typing something at his desktop computer hunt-and-peck style.

RON
What’s that, Harry?

HARRY
Why do they insist on sending a fax?

RON
I hear it’s all the rage these days with the muckles.

HARRY
You mean muggles.

RON
No, it’s short for fucking muggle. Quite brilliant, actually. I found it on this MySpace.

HARRY
Ron, it’s 2016. I’m certain everyone has moved on to Google Plus by now.

A phone begins to ring. Harry looks around the device he’s fiddling with and picks up the handset. The ringing continues. He slams down the receiver on the fax machine and marches over to his desk. There is a large, block style portable phone ringing there. He snatches it up and stares at the keypad for a beat before furrowing his brow, slowly extending a finger, and carefully mashing a button.

HARRY
Uh, hello?

The voice on the phone is frantic and indecipherable.

HARRY
Yes. Yes. Mhm. Yes, dear. Well, I can take care of that. Yes, dear. Yes. Just relax, I’ll take care of it. Yes. Of course dear. Certainly. I-. Yes. Okay.

Harry pulls the phone away from his face and presses the button as cautiously as he did the first time, then he places it, gingerly, on his desk.

RON
Trouble?

HARRY
Yes.

RON
Ginny, I presume.

HARRY
Yes. It’s our child. He’s cursed.

RON
Bugger. You want to have a look at this? It’s a page full of hamsters, and they seem to be dancing.

HARRY
Yes, Ron. I’d like that more than anything in the world.

3 thoughts on “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child”

  1. Also for the record, I thought that the inaccuracies and the F-bombs would make it obvious to B&N and Scholastic and any reasonable person that I’m not actually trying to pass this off as the real script, which would get me fired.

    This is what my fake Internet attorney told me to say.

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