Inspector Why

Petunia awoke to a warbling sound not unlike the first five seconds of Cars by Gary Numan, before the drums kick in, which is something she would be familiar with because it was the eighties.

She wasn’t sure if it was the result of too many long nights of whippets and Headbanger’s Ball, but she could have sworn that she saw a red telephone booth, the British kind, materializing at the foot of her bed. Before she had a chance to scream, the booth became solid and out bounded what appeared to be a man wielding a magnifying glass that emitted an ethereal glow. He was also insanely hot. I mean, the room temperature rose at least twenty degrees but he was also very attractive. Like Bowie hot without the gay vibe.

He gesticulated towards her, glaring intensely. “Are you harboring Nemanorian terrorists?” he growled, spitting through his teeth. He was wild, and maybe even sexier than Bon Jovi without the girly hair.

Petunia stared, speechless. She wasn’t used to talking unless it was about boys, gum, or MTV, but he did look like a boy from MTV… a smokin’ one at that! Her mind groaned as dusty cogs broke loose from years of hairspray rust, and she lurched into action.

“Uh hey, got any gum?”

“Gum!?” the man ejaculated. I mean seriously he was yelling but he also shuddered and it looked as if he might have jizzed his pants, like Jimmy Eversworth in Mandy’s car after Junior Prom. “How can you think about chewing at a time like this? The Nemanorians are tiny and they could be anywhere… in fact, my Aural Lens seems to be detecting their presence right… THERE!”

The guy with the sexy voice like Bruce Springsteen, but not so cro-magnon, swept his glowing magnifying glass towards Petunia’s pretty pink panties.

“They’ve landed in an environment conducive to their survival. Dark, dank, musky…”, he trailed off, panting.

“There’s nothing in there but my IUD!” Petunia cried.

“Precisely!” shouted the man, now wide-eyed and dripping with perspiration. “The Nemanorians are notorious for posing as OBGYNs. By the way, let me introduce myself.” He extended a hand. “I am the Inspector.”

“Uh,” Petunia cringed as she hesitatingly extended her arm towards the Inspector, “Nice to meet you, I guess.”

“Good. Now that we’ve got that out of the way…”, the Inspector said as he grabbed her hand and pulled her against his strong, heaving chest. She sensed that he was powerful, like Hulk Hogan, but not all greasy and gross and shit. “I have to travel inside you so we can stop the Nemanorians from completing the Skank Eruptor, which would transform your naughty bits into a world shattering tachyon beam.”

“How are you going to do that?” Petunia smacked. “You got some kind of shrink ray in that phone booth of yours?”

“No,” the Inspector smiled as he raised an eyebrow. “I’m going to smash it with my cock.”


Part two is here.